In 1999, Budweiser introduced its legendary Real American Heroes campaign, in which it celebrated the under-appreciated members of our society, such as Mr. Losing Locker Room Reporter, Mr. Dishonest Cable TV Hooker Upper and my all-time favorite -- Mr. Nudist Colony Activity Coordinator. Yet, despite paying homage in song to more than 100 of these "unsung heroes," Budweiser has never given credit to greatest unsung hero of all -- Mrs. Onsite CLE Organization Representative.
I learned this sad fact when I recently put on my first (and last) self-sponsored half-day CLE program. From my vantage point as a speaker at hundreds of these functions, it didn't seem like the most difficult job. You hand out name badges, point the attorneys to the rest rooms and pretend to care about their complaints. "What? You had to pay an entire $5 to park your 7-series BMW? I'm going to get right to the bottom of this!"
However, I soon learned that the job can be just as frustrating as being the travel agent for Governor of South Carolina, just not nearly as comical. It started as soon as I reached the conference center that morning and was shown to my conference room. Over the phone, I had been clear that I needed a room capable of seating 50. Apparently, I had not been clear that I was referring to 50 adults; ones who probably wouldn't want on floor mats or the laps of complete strangers.
The conference center hostess attempted to alleviate my concerns by pointing out that my event wouldn't be one of those cold and impersonal seminars where the attendees leave without meeting a single new person. And I had to agree with her on that point. As tight as the seating arrangements were, it was entirely likely that someone would leave the seminar pregnant. Of course, I've attended more than my share of family law conferences, so it wouldn't be a first.
In any event, I wouldn't have time to brood over the facilities because my first attendee arrived five minutes before registration started. What kind of early bird shows up to CLE that early? Was she afraid that all of the good seats would be taken and that she'd be stuck way back in the fifth row? Or perhaps, she wanted to make sure that she had her first choice for breakfast. If so, she could have slept in.
I've been to enough of these events to know that you must serve coffee and muffins/donuts/champaign brunch at a morning CLE event. Otherwise, you run the risk of an actual revolt that would revival the current unrest in Iran in terms of both wanton violence and Twitter traffic. To avoid this fate, I stopped at Krispy Kreme and bought boxes of coffee and dozens of doughnuts. As it turned out, allowing my attendees to revolt and ransack the place would have been less wasteful.
Not only did I pour just about every drop of coffee down the sink afterwards, but when I attempted to box up the donuts, they didn't fit in the containers. Amazingly, it appeared that I had more donuts at the end of the seminar than I started with. Had someone come to my seminar just to get rid of some of their unused donuts? And was this the same person who approached me during every break complaining that the room was too hot? Or was this the person sitting next to him who complained that cold air was blowing on him but never considered solving his problem by just switching seats with the "too hot guy"?
These were just some of the many unanswered questions from my misadventure as Mrs. Onsite CLE Organization Representative. And with a newfound appreciation for my brothers and sisters who toil under the florescent lights of hotel ballrooms, I salute you with a leftover box of donuts from the seminar. This box of 14 half-eaten donuts is for all you do in ordering massive amounts of food that will never be eaten and smiling while silently wishing harm upon your attendees. "God, if you love me, you will allow a power surge to electrocute this lawyer when he plugs in his laptop, portable printer, and microwave oven."
It isn't said enough, but you are the Real American Heroes. Well, you and Mrs. Look the Other Way While I Assaulted That One Attendee in the Parking Lot Conference Center Hostess.
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