The True Facebook of Evil

Just recently, I've come face to face with a force more malevolent than Al Qaeda, Osama bin Laden, and whoever invented the ridiculous Final 36 elimination process on America Idol combined.  That's right.  I'm referring to Facebook -- the single greatest scourge to affect the Internet since the invention of the pop-up ad, except we actually learn something from our folly in the latter case.  "Oh wow!  I'm the one zillionth person on this website!  I'll click here to claim my prize.  Doh!"

How many times could you fall for that?  Once?  Maybe twice, if you attended public school.  Yet, I've fallen for the biggest time-wasting scam of all -- Facebook.  I suspect that you've probably heard the pitch -- that Facebook will allow you to keep up with all of the significant events in the lives of your friends and family with minimal effort.  And if you have a hectic work schedule as I do, you've probably thought, "That would be great!"  Well, think again. 

For one, if you've been married for a decade or so like I have, you don't have many friends to keep up with anyway; online or offline.  Over the yours, your spouse has probably "culled the herd" of those who belonged to the "wrong" political party, had questionable morals, or worst, were still single.  For example, after 16 years of marriage, my only remaining friends are my father, two cousins and our pastor; and after his comments leading up to the last election, I'm not sure how much longer I will be allowed to go over the pastor's house to play.  

As a result, for a little while, my only Facebook friend was ... you guessed it ... my wife; and I'm not so sure that she was thrilled to make my online acquaintance.  She seemed particularly displeased when I tried to add her as my wife in my online profile.  When Facebook asked her to confirm our marital status, she must have sensed an opportunity to "make a break for it."  So instead of confirming, she called to ask, "Do we have to be married on here as well?"  She then added ... and I'm not making this up ... "You're cramping my style!"

My life became even more pathetic when I began to log online to get updates about our life.  "Well, I see that the kids haven't set fire to the house today.  Oops.  I just didn't scroll down far enough.  And what's this?  We are having trouble in our marriage?  It appears that we just don't communicate enough.  Well, let me solve this by sending her a private message right now."

Fortunately, with the help of Facebook, I was able to locate a slew of former classmates and work colleagues to add to my list of friends.  Before long, I was receiving a barrage of updates about their lives, reminding me precisely why I had allowed myself to lose contact with them in the first place.

Now, don't get me a wrong.  If one of my Facebook friends gets, say, a new job or a new house or a new kidney, I want to know about it.  However, I don't need to know if they have just found their first gray hair or become online friends with someone who I don't know or become a fan of Sweet Tea (and no, that's not a new rock band, but the actual beverage).  Yet, all day long, my Facebook page is filled with news updates that are so inane that, if I don't know better, I would think that I'm watching Fox News.

For example, just today, I learned these fascinating insights into the life of my younger sister, Candice.  And I'm not making this up or exaggerating in any way!

11:15 am -- She screwed up her shoulder playing catch with my nephew.

1:46 pm -- She has tried to fight it for too long but has come to the realization that she just does not like sausage on her pizza.

5:41 pm -- She is stuck in a very crowded, very loud Chuck E Cheese and is pleading, "Get me out of here!!!!" (That makes two of us, sis!)

8:59 pm -- She is about to watch the Amazing Race.  The Oscars can kiss her #$%.

Now, I know what you're thinking -- the Oscars can kiss your #$% too!  You might also be thinking that I have the wrong attitude.  You might love to know all of these things about a typical day in the life of, say, your mother or brother or son or daughter.  However, you must keep in mind that, in a short period of time, you could accumulate 100 online friends (perhaps 200 if your spouse doesn't "cull the herd").  Can you imagine getting 400 of these updates everyday?  And this is not to mention the comments you will receive from their friends reading "I hate sausage on my pizza too!" and "No way, sausage rules!"

Finally, if you aren't on Facebook yet, then you're probably asking the obvious question: "If Facebook is such a time-waster, why do I keep logging on?"  However, if you are on Facebook, then you know the answer to this question -- "I can't help myself!"  As much as I hate reading about the mundane events in the lives of my Facebook friends, I'd hate even more to miss an important development.  For example, what if someone was to post pictures of their newborn or news of the death of a loved one or the winner of Best Cinematography at the Oscars?  How could I live without knowing this vital information and being able to comment on it for others?  "That's the cutest baby EVER!  So sorry to hear about your sixth cousin Bessy.  Slumdog Millionaire was SOOOO over-rated!"

Of course, I wouldn't have this dilemma had I never signed onto Facebook in the first place.  However, now that I've had a taste of it, I'm hooked much like someone addicted to crack cocaine, crystal meth or Krispy Kreme; only not nearly as interesting at a party.  Yet, there might still be time for you.  If you haven't signed onto Facebook yet, then just say "No!"  And if you are on Facebook, add me as a friend.  I'm just dying to know about your favorite pizza topping, television show or beverage.