Get Me to the Marriott

It's been said that 90% of life is showing up.  This is certainly true in CLE, where 90% of life is the speaker showing up and the other 10% is the program lasting the full hour so that we can resell it on the Internet.  Yet, as important as speaker attendance is to the overall success of the program, I'm amazed at how often a seminar will start with an announcement that one of the speakers is stuck in traffic, on the tarmac at O'Hare or in jail on tax evasion charges.  Recently, I heard a story of a speaker who went back to his office during the lunch break and returned late for the afternoon session because he "lost track of time."  Stories like this illustrate why every CLE organizer should be required on an annual basis to watch the movie Get Him to the Greek.

In this movie, a young talent scout (played by Jonah Hill) is assigned the task of escorting a British rock star (played by Russell Brand) from London to Los Angeles for his concert at The Greek Theater.  What seems to be a simple task turns into a chaotic 72-hour odyssey of illicit drugs and even more illicit sex.  However, in the end, our hapless hero manages to accomplish his mission and delivers his charge to The Greek for a successful concert.  This movie could prove instructive for those in charge of getting CLE speakers to The Marriott (or those running a John Edwards presidential campaign).

Now, don't get me wrong.  I understand that rock stars are much different from CLE presenters in many respects.  For instance, rock stars are actually good at what they do.  Likewise, a CLE presenter is slightly less likely to ask you to smuggle heroin in your underwear for them.  Nevertheless, there are some important lessons to take from this movie.

Lesson #1: Never trust your presenter to be prepared for her presentation.  In the movie, Hill and Brand stop in New York City for a performance on Today.  Just moments before taking the stage, Brand confesses to Hill that he can't remember the lyrics to the song he is about to sing.  Hill then frantically searches for the lyrics during the commercial break.

This same thing has happened to every CLE organizer.  Just minutes before the seminar, the speaker asks, "Are my Power Point slides loaded onto the computer?"  Of course, the Power Point slides in question are the ones that the speaker had promised to bring with her since she had not "completed" (i.e., started working on) them by the deadline for sending over A/V materials.  You then frantically call back to her office to see if her assistant can e-mail the slides to you in the next 20-30 seconds.  Just to be safe, you should always make sure that you have on hand extra copies of the Power Point slides, the handout materials and, if at all possible, the law firm associate who actually wrote those materials in the first place.

Lesson #2: Never trust your presenter to make her own travel arrangements.  Interestingly, you need not strictly observe this rule when dealing with paid speakers.  For instance, I've made it to more than 500 engagements without missing a single one, which is not a testament to my reliability but rather my financial instability.  Quite frankly, I must get to the Marriott so that I can collect the balance of my fee (and race the check over to Bank of America before it closes and tabulates that day's credits and debits).

On the other hand, your out-of-town expert on, say, tax-deferred annuity plans established on even-numbered days, doesn't have the same dire need to get to your event.  As a result, she may not make travel arrangements that allow for flexibility in the event of weather delays, mechanical difficulties or flight attendants who freak out during take-off.  Instead, she will likely book the last flight of the day; the one with an on-time percentage lower than Shaq's career free throw percentage.  When this flight is invariably cancelled (or more likely, she misses it), the CLE organizer will spend the rest of the night making the CLE-equivalent of a "booty call."

"May I speak to Tammy, please?  Hey girl, it's been a long time.  I know that I haven't called in a while but I was just sitting here thinking about you and wondering if you'd like to ... you know ... do it one more time.  You free tomorrow morning at 9 am?  I'll bring the Power Point!"

In that same vein, presenters should be picked up at the airport; and for the same reason that entertainers are picked up by their handlers -- no one trusts them to drive themselves safely to the venue.  After all, can you imagine a concert promoter trusting, say Snoop Dogg or Keith Richards to rent a car and drive themselves halfway across your state in the middle of the night to a remote mountain resort?  So why would we expect an equally bleary-eyed and exhausted lawyer to fare any better?

Lesson #3: Wake them up!  Now, at this point, you're probably asking the following question: Can one man be this funny and brilliant too?  You may also be asking: Does a top-flight practitioner from a major law firm and with a book of business longer than War & Peace (just less confusing to read) really need a wake-up call?  The answer to both questions is "Maybe."

For instance, let's suppose that you've made the mistake of hiring a certain legal humorist; one who stays up into the wee hours of the morning writing silly blog posts and routinely sleeps until noon; hypothetically speaking, of course.  Such a person (whomever they may be) might appreciate a wake-up call ... and waffles, bacon and orange juice delivered by room service for breakfast; hypothetically speaking, of course.

And even if you hire a rational and sane presenter, you should still make the call.  Hotel alarm clocks or wake-up call systems are about as reliable as a "foolproof Blackjack system"; and just as likely to cost you thousands of dollars (trust me on this one).  And if your presenter doesn't show up, you will have to refund all of the registration fees and still pay the hotel for the meeting space (and the $12 poppy seed bagels).  The only thing that will make your boss more upset is to know that this fiasco could have been avoided had you only walked over to the nearest courtesy phone and called the presenter, whose alarm was set for the right time but for the wrong time zone.

In short, CLE presenters should be treated just like the rock stars we think we are; and just like the irresponsible prima donnas you know we can be.  Otherwise, you run the very real risk of not getting the speaker to The Marriott (and me not getting the check to the bank before closing).  We can, and must, do better than that.